年半前我開始了寫日記的習慣, 但不是寫我自己的日記, 我寫的是我和他的拍拖日記, 我每天都寫, 用電腦記下每一天的拍拖片段, 點滴, 以及我的想法.
當儲了差不多三百六十五篇日記時, 我四圍找尋漂亮的A5紙, 然後將每一天的日記都列印在上面, 跟著找人釘裝好, 這便成了一本世上獨一無二的"拍拖一週年紀念日記", 並在拍拖一週年當天送給他.
送了給他之後, 我從來沒有問過他有沒有看過, 因為我知道, 這麼無聊的玩意, 他是不肖花時間去看, 更何況他一向對我的事都沒有興趣. 別人收到的話或許會很感動, 但對他可能只是多了一件垃圾, 我想他在收了之後, 可能是隨手便收在床下底算了...
這本日記現在會在哪裡呢? 堆田區? 焚花爐? 在哪裡也沒關係吧, 反正它從來就沒有人會欣賞, 它彷彿沒有存在過一樣...
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昨晚考完試, 我去了旺角想買點東西, 順便看看馬沙在不在舖頭, 我們一起去吃飯.
我在街上走著的時候, 突然覺得很害怕, 我很害怕突然會在街上撞見他和她, 我不知到時自己會怎樣... 昨晚在街上一面走, 我一面留意著四周的人, 一方面我很想看看那個女人究竟是什麼樣子, 但另一方面我又害怕真的會被我撞上他們... 突然間我有點害拍出街, 我怕會撞見他們親密的在一起, 我怕到時我會崩潰...
4 則留言:
過去了的事就不要再回頭望了...
老是困在回憶中只會令人更傷感...
不是說要你棄掉一切...
但也可以試試只把它們留在一個角落吧...
由他漫漫的淡化....
Fishee ... though I really feel your lost, but this has got to stop. Its unhealthy and destructive to your own self values.
The guy left you. yes, it hurts. I know it hurts, because I was in simlilar situations but it was the girl that left me. No amount of self beating is going to change that. The only thing that is left to do is to acknowledge it and learn from it.
Why don't you do another diary.
one that actually says how you feel about you? Much like this blog but without the boy involved. Talk about feelings that you have about yourself. What you are thinking when you talk about him. The fact that you are scared of meeting them is showing that you are afraid that you will not meet HIS expectations.
Your life is about you, my dear, not about him. He is but a passer by in your life, one that maybe stayed a little longer, gave you a little more memories but at the end, he is but another soul in the whole line of people that will cross your life.
Learn from your mistakes, I did. When my girlfriend left me, I was devastated. I could not understand why? I was good to her, I love her, why did she leave? I asked myself again and again. And finally you know what? I understood. It was not me that left me, it was she that left me. I did nothing wrong.
What I did learn was to be more observant the next time I get into a relationship. See the real person that you are dating next time. Its like probation period in a new job, you probate the company as well as letting the company probate you. If you don't like what you see, leave. Find another.
Of course we are not perfect, who is? The point is that we learn from them. If your partner cannot see you mistake and help you become better, then you have better go seek another harbour.
Just try to move on for now, you will feel better over time. One day you will look back on this and smile.
I thank the girl that left me when I saw her again years later. It was because of her, that I saw myself properly. She made me better by leaving me. And I really appreciated what she did, even though she did not do it intentionaly.
馬沙兄, 什麼好正??
玩野呀~?
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